Kick Me

DUDE! I posted that sucker story ... what ... 2 days ago and guess who just came to the door?

"I'm your neighbor from up the street. I've just come out of the hospital and I'm looking to work for $1.89 to pay for my prescription."

What is it with these weird dollar amount requests? And the address he gave for "just up the street" is 2 freaking miles away!

Although, Jesus says every man is my neighbor. But 2 miles away? Come onnnnnnnn that's pushing it.



So ... yeah.
I gave him money again.
And he cried. Again.

L'il Sucker

Don't come to my door asking for money. Do not. Ever. Never ever ever. Here's a brief but shameful list of the grifters and crunchies who have suckered me out of my hard-earned cash:

OSPIRG -- I don't even know what this is or what they do. All I know is they now have my credit card number so I can donate $10 a month to help them do that thing they do. Spokesperson: a little pixie of a girl wearing natural cotton and one of those bead necklaces ... they all just seem so very earnest and sincere ...

Number Painting -- You know the ones, they come by nearly every day and want to paint your house number on the curb "so emergency services can find you better" and it's not even our house, so I don't know why I said yes. Maybe it was the reflective paint or the idea that if you get it done now they don't have any reason to continue bugging you. Spokesperson: two suspicious youths on those little chopper-style bikes (that's what we called them when I was a kid anyway ... don't know what they're called now) who separated while out gaffing other neighbors, and kept riding past my house to ask me where the other one had gone. Nice try, Slick, but you only get one $10 bill outta me. I may be a sucker, but, receipt or no receipt, your partner's got my dough and whether you find him or not is not my problem. That, and the one who did the work got the money, so I hope he did take off with the cash.

Sierra Club -- Pop, I'm so sorry. I know what they've done to Yosemite and how you can't drive in there and how they protested the parking garages, but the bad men in Washington wanted to drill off Alaska and that's just wrong. Unfortunately, your enemy, the SC, got to me first to ask for dough and I ... erm ... Well, I'm just a girl who cain't say no. Spokesperson: two crunchy kids who must have majored in Environmental Studies and this is their chance to make a difference and it really starts at the grassroots level with education and alerting the public and they have these hellatious student loans ... or they were just two hippies out to fill volunteer time because they can't get out of their promise to SC.

Strange Older Man -- Here's the scenario: It's Christmas Eve and I'm by myself (the cousin/roommate in Hawaii ....... swine) and it's 6:30 in the morning and I'm getting ready for work. Actually, I'm in the process of a constitutional, if you get my meaning, and there's a knock at the door. I don't normally break the constitutional even if I'm expecting someone. I'm certainly not going to get up for this. There's another knock, louder, like the door's going to come off, and I think "Dear God, something's on fire!" so I pull myself together and run to the door and it's this old guy, maybe about 60-70. He's kinda scruffy, but clean, and he says "I'm your neighbor from up the street" (he must me WAY up, because I've never seen him before or since) "and I hate to bother you, but I just got out of the hospital and I need $3.17 to get my medication at the drugstore and I really hate to do this but..." and he's going on and on and it's Christmas Eve, I'm running late for work now and I've still got s**t to do. Literally. So I grab $6 out of my wallet and hand it to him through the screen. That's when he starts to cry. Dude, I've got to finish getting dressed. Okay? Bye. "I'm ... I'm sorry ... I just need ... I'm sorry ... Do you mind if I just ..." Yeah, yeah ... just Merry Christmas, okay? Okay. Bye.

Of course, when I left the house for work I was scanning the streets for him, thinking, in the Christmas spirit, that not only did he get $6, he got a good look at the television in my house and is waiting for me to leave so he can come back and nick it.

"You're not in the same universe as those creatures back there."

Here's another fun selection of my day-to-day interactions with the public.

Even though the website I work for is clearly marked, titled, and labeled with the company name, and the company name also incorporates what we sell ("officeproducts/supplies/stuff".com), some people still get confused when they come in to chat on our live customer service:

Visitor: Don't Know Address of Bank One Credit Care.

I've also had people ask me how they can reach a Canadian phone company. Usually if we don't carry what they're looking for we'll get "Where can I find (obscure item) in my area", which is when we're supposed to turn into their local Yellow Pages.

This one came by e-mail (all spelling and punctuation is copied *exactly*):

dear sir/madam
i want start a company. but i canot choose which company is preferble for me and which company is profitable and easy marketing not only in present days in feature also. i would like to start think about disposels or textiles? which comnay is preferble to me. i am totally confussion please give me a advice.

And, this one, my favorite from the live chat:

Visitor: FOUND A FORIEGN OBJECT IN MY INSTANT COFFEE

They never said what the object was, which is a total drag. (It would have made the incorrect "i before e" assumption in "foreign" forgivable.) It's right up there with "I've stuck my tongue to a pencil with SuperGlue, what should I do?" and other questions best answered by a medical team or someone in the legal profession.

Rollercoaster ... doo-doo whoo hoo hoo

up up up

The cousin/roommate and I drove past the McCracken Trucking Company, which reminded me of my friend Kris who used to ask guys to page her friend "Phil McCracken" and ask bartenders if they had Dickens Cider, and how she went by the bar name of Sarcie , and recently had a baby and married her boyfriend Carlos, who used to be over all the time when Sarcie and I were housemates,

down down down

and it made me think of how all of my friends are married or in relationships and/or having kids, and how when I was at the bank depositing a check because I was down to the last $10 in my checking account I looked to the side of the ATM and saw the investment pamphlet that showed a bride tossing a bouquet, and then I came home and all night on Turner Classic Movies it's wedding movies, and how my co-workers all shared an email about Mother's Day because they're all mothers (whether married or not) and it was like they all had this secret handshake and this joke that they could talk about but not explain to me because I wouldn't understand,

up up up

But, I swear, every time Kris asked for Dickens Cider the bartender made an effort to find it. Every time! She had this way of asking that looked incredibly sincere, so people never really knew when she was kidding around. They were always a lot quicker to pick up on the "Phil McCracken" joke.

She liked to order Buttery Nipples using gestures and then drink down the entire shot without using her hands.

It's odd to think of her with a baby. Is it odd to my friends that I don't have one?

Cahhhhhhh isn't "Lost" on yet?

Zut! Mein Gott

Last week a co-worker said the following to me (without irony): "I'd like to go back to the time of the Third Reich. Things were much more organized then."

Which leads me to today's Customer of the Day:

Me: Thank you for choosing [my workplace]! Is this your first visit?
david: HELLO
Me: Hello! How can I help you today?
david: I want to buy an American Made cross cut paper shreader.
david: do you have any?
Me: As far as I'm aware all of the shredders in our catalog are American-made
david: Can you check? I don't buy from commies that are supply guns to our enemies to kill Americans.
david: I do NOT want to buy from CHINA.

[I especially love that last line. It's as though he thought I was arguing with him. "You MUST buy from CHINA!"]

Me: Quartet GBC is located in Skokie, IL
Me: Fellowes is located in Itasca, IL
Me: These are the manufacturers of the shredders in our catalog
david: I believe FELLOWS is also klocated in IL. I called Fellows and all their shreaders are ChiCom made.
Me: I'm very sorry. I only have manufacturer locations. I don't have any information on where their products are actually made
david: ok thanks.

Those dirty ChiCommies ...

"Give Me Some Money, Honey"

My grandmother used to say the above line to my grandfather when she was taking us shopping at Zody's or Two Guys, but she would say it with her top lip pulled down as though she had no teeth. It's hard to describe, but it was pretty funny at the time and is highly addictive: I find it difficult to say the word "money" without following up with the appropriate "honey".

This week we found out that her living will is closing and the grandkids are all getting a check in the mail. Now, I'm the first to tell you that death is one of those unavoidable things and grieving is kind of pointless. Yes, it's sad when someone leaves this life and you miss their company and all that, but it's not as though we're all hanging around indefinitely. You may get through life without having kids or owning a Corvette, but you're going to definitely die. That said, it still took me awhile to come to grips with the idea of planning for death -- which is actually really practical. You're around now to get the job done, so it's better than waiting until it's too late.

This has been the track of my acceptance.

Last night I asked my mom how much the check was for. Pop shouted the answer back over the phone and added "Don't forget to thank her for it! Matt (the little brother) is the only one who did the last time!" (The check this week is the second half of our inheritence. We received the first half 3 years ago.)

For the record and not on the Q.T.: Matt may have been the only one who sent a card the last time, but the rest of us called her. I called her twice because the first time she asked for my cousin's address (before he moved up here) and I had to call her back with it. The cousin/roommate remembers calling her as well because she closed the conversation with the following memorable line: "Have a nice life."

Maybe pop meant to say Matt's the only one who *didn't* thank her the last time.

I'm just sayin' ...