L'il Sucker

Don't come to my door asking for money. Do not. Ever. Never ever ever. Here's a brief but shameful list of the grifters and crunchies who have suckered me out of my hard-earned cash:

OSPIRG -- I don't even know what this is or what they do. All I know is they now have my credit card number so I can donate $10 a month to help them do that thing they do. Spokesperson: a little pixie of a girl wearing natural cotton and one of those bead necklaces ... they all just seem so very earnest and sincere ...

Number Painting -- You know the ones, they come by nearly every day and want to paint your house number on the curb "so emergency services can find you better" and it's not even our house, so I don't know why I said yes. Maybe it was the reflective paint or the idea that if you get it done now they don't have any reason to continue bugging you. Spokesperson: two suspicious youths on those little chopper-style bikes (that's what we called them when I was a kid anyway ... don't know what they're called now) who separated while out gaffing other neighbors, and kept riding past my house to ask me where the other one had gone. Nice try, Slick, but you only get one $10 bill outta me. I may be a sucker, but, receipt or no receipt, your partner's got my dough and whether you find him or not is not my problem. That, and the one who did the work got the money, so I hope he did take off with the cash.

Sierra Club -- Pop, I'm so sorry. I know what they've done to Yosemite and how you can't drive in there and how they protested the parking garages, but the bad men in Washington wanted to drill off Alaska and that's just wrong. Unfortunately, your enemy, the SC, got to me first to ask for dough and I ... erm ... Well, I'm just a girl who cain't say no. Spokesperson: two crunchy kids who must have majored in Environmental Studies and this is their chance to make a difference and it really starts at the grassroots level with education and alerting the public and they have these hellatious student loans ... or they were just two hippies out to fill volunteer time because they can't get out of their promise to SC.

Strange Older Man -- Here's the scenario: It's Christmas Eve and I'm by myself (the cousin/roommate in Hawaii ....... swine) and it's 6:30 in the morning and I'm getting ready for work. Actually, I'm in the process of a constitutional, if you get my meaning, and there's a knock at the door. I don't normally break the constitutional even if I'm expecting someone. I'm certainly not going to get up for this. There's another knock, louder, like the door's going to come off, and I think "Dear God, something's on fire!" so I pull myself together and run to the door and it's this old guy, maybe about 60-70. He's kinda scruffy, but clean, and he says "I'm your neighbor from up the street" (he must me WAY up, because I've never seen him before or since) "and I hate to bother you, but I just got out of the hospital and I need $3.17 to get my medication at the drugstore and I really hate to do this but..." and he's going on and on and it's Christmas Eve, I'm running late for work now and I've still got s**t to do. Literally. So I grab $6 out of my wallet and hand it to him through the screen. That's when he starts to cry. Dude, I've got to finish getting dressed. Okay? Bye. "I'm ... I'm sorry ... I just need ... I'm sorry ... Do you mind if I just ..." Yeah, yeah ... just Merry Christmas, okay? Okay. Bye.

Of course, when I left the house for work I was scanning the streets for him, thinking, in the Christmas spirit, that not only did he get $6, he got a good look at the television in my house and is waiting for me to leave so he can come back and nick it.