I'm an oil man.

Dude. We had to stop There Will Be Blood for the night because it was way too intense to view it in one sitting.

Either the Blu-Ray is making everything giant and imposing

or I'm becoming a movie wuss.

Or both.

McCan't

I'm not an expert, but after 3 years of being taught that everything is marketing and 2 years of working in the retail marketing sh*t, I know a little bit. Not much -- but I know enough to realize that John McCain needs to dump his PR staff and marketing team.

You'd think with all of the fallout over the Paris/Britney ad that he'd re-think the plan. That didn't work, no matter how many pundits attempted to defend it. Racial, personal, really unrealistic -- failure. But while I was in Vegas I saw one where he said he'd save us from the energy crisis by drilling in protected areas of Washington and Oregon -- like we've been keeping America back by our need to save wildlife. How could we be so selfish? Here, drive your giant car! Screw those animals and birds. I don't know what the hell we were thinking.

His latest is about how during the past 4 years things have gotten worse. No surprises there. It's going to be a tactic that everyone will use this election: Gas prices up and everyone is broke, and you can blame the leader. It's okay, he's expecting it and after 8 years who cares what people think now? But McCain will turn everything around with his experience in economics. To back up this claim, the announcer proudly tells us how McCain had "taken on Big Tobacco." I asked my mom about this, because I thought it was just me -- and she thought it was just her --- and we both agreed that statement A really doesn't connect to statement B. So taking on tobacco companies that make money regardless of every new regulation that comes about, will somehow save us from the gas crisis? What made this even worse, was that it followed on the heels of an Obama ad.

Obama's ad said things were bad, but "here's the plan: boom tax breaks on middle class, boom remove tax breaks on companies who send jobs out of the US, boom support education. Thank you." (Ticking off the plan is an old Clinton strategy, but it's a good one.) McCain's ad said things were bad, but "we have some vague ideas and McCain's such a great guy that he's going to turn it around. Okay? He took on Big Tobacco! See? He's there for you!" (The pal is an old Bush strategy and it's not so great unless you have a history of Bud drinkin'.)

John, I have nothing against you personally, but I won't vote for you, because I think you're campaign relies too heavily on reaction to your opponent (bad in boxing = bad in politics), and, honey, if you can't tell good advice from bad in your bid for the presidency, what will happen if you're actually in charge?

This Is (not) Spinal Tap

So the platelet count held at 45.

Good news: This means no bone marrow biopsy or messy spleen removal. I'm just one of those people with ITP -- and I have found 2 online support groups already. Go figure. The nutty thing is I don't really feel it, and the doctor says there's no problem as long as I stay away from brain surgery and extreme dental work. pfft like ... okay.

Bad news: According to the Platelet Disorder Support Association (who knew?), these things can reduce the ability to clot blood:
beer (especially dark beer --- GUINNESS! NOOOOOOOOOO)
blueberries
chocolate (dark)
garlic/onions
green tea
tomatoes

Basically, anything I like or have on a regular basis. I guess vanilla ice cream isn't so bad. You'd think wine would be okay, but alcohol is on the "can reduce plateletes" list. Life is too fecking unfair.

To celebrate the cousin/roommate and I rented Fight Night 3. Barrera knocked me out, but I went 8 rounds as El Terrible Morales, and, honestly, I let the Baby-Faced Assassin knock me out, so I could see what it was like. It was kind of cool. We toyed with the idea of renting Grand Theft Auto IV, but I'm not sure I'm up to pimpin' hos and cappin' asses yet.

Maybe tomorrow.

You tell 'em, Kimi

This is clearly one of the horsemen of the apocalypse -- Kimi Raikkonen did an interview. He must have had his vitamin B yesterday (that or Lauda's comments touched one of his few active nerves):

Raikkonen: Don't write me off

Eurosport - Wed, 20 Aug 15:33:00 2008

Ferrari's reigning champion Kimi Raikkonen has said he should not be written out of the World Championship battle just yet as Formula One heads into the final seven races of the season.

Former world champion Niki Lauda - who won two titles with the Scuderia and one with McLaren - had suggested that the Finn was not a contender for the 2008 crown, despite his second position in the drivers' standings.

Raikkonen indicated that he believes he is close enough to points leader Lewis Hamilton of McLaren to launch a title assault. He is only five points adrift but his form is suffering whereas the Briton is performing well.

Raikkonen's team-mate Felipe Massa lies third, three points behind the Finn.

"We haven't lost anything yet, but we need to get consistently better results," Raikkonen said. "I think the championship will be very tight, with Ferrari and McLaren very close together in terms of performance and three drivers in a position to win the title.

"I need to have at least one point more than my competitors after the last race of the season - this is the sole aim. The rest is [simply] details."

He acknowledged that he has to hit top form to pip Hamilton again in 2008.

"From now on every single race will be extremely important," he said. "Every single point will have great value. The less there are to be won, the more important they become.

"This season shows that you should never give up. There were some races where things didn't go well for us but, for one reason or another, I was able to collect precious points.

"My position after Hungary is better than before the race."

Raikonnen added that he was looking forward to racing at the new Valencia street circuit.

"We have to start well at Valencia, where it's more important than in other places to drive with continuity from Friday onwards," he said.

"I've only seen the new track from the position of an on-board camera, but it seems to be very fast for a street circuit.

"I always love to drive on new tracks and I am always very quick to get to know them, so I can't wait to race at Valencia.

"I just hope I'll have a trouble-free weekend to try to set the car up in the best way possible, especially for the qualifying lap.

"Qualifying will be extremely important, although I think that there are several possibilities on the track to overtake."

Crash.Net / Eurosport

I can't imagine being the one to have to transcribe the tape. "IjusthopeI'llhaveatrouble-freeweekendtotry tosetthecarup inthebestwaypossible especiallyforthequalifyinglap."

Synchronized Swimming is Seriously F**ked Up

If you had your choice, would you prefer to watch:

The French team performing to music from Schindler's List?
or
The swimmer from the Italian team who (I swear!) had a penis?

The horror ... the horror ... Why -- WHY -- is synchronized swimming an Olympic sport?

Man, it's cold

Come back, sun! All is forgiven!

Suddenly it's Autumn n' stuff. What the hell happened? Saturday it's 100 outside, Sunday it's thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening me. Now it's hovering somewhere around 60 outside. Crazy Oregon. My tomatoes are never going to ripen.

Oh, and someone called me "bitch" on the phone yesterday. He wanted to complain, not have his problem solved, apparently, and hung up with a final "BITCH" (or "BEITCH" as they say it in Alabama) -- which proves, yet again, that cowards abound. I'm going to call you a name and slam the phone down before you can respond. That'll show you! I was on fire at first, but the boss doused the flames ("Let it go") before I could do something stupid, like call the guy back, shout "ASSHOLE" and hang up.

Did you know that the longest part of a giant squid is his tentacles? And lantern fish engage in diurnal vertical migration. Good to know.

Man, it's hot

I've been afraid to look around the library to see what melted this year. I think we hit 99 outside yesterday, which means it was about 105 up here. Window fans sort of help, but not really. I mostly just stay out of the upstairs for as long as possible.

Events of the weekend -- I'm down to a count of 45 on the platelets again. Why? They don't know why. The doctor gives me this perplexed look like "Gee, that's kind of nutty. What do you think?" Like I'm the one who went to med-school. I'll say it again, House would have totally figured this out by now. Can't these doctors get the team assembled and start writing on the chalkboard? Anyway, I go back on Friday and if the platelets have gone down more I get stuck with this thing -->
Can't. Wait.

Lucky for me, it goes in through the back so I don't have to watch it, but, honestly, the idea of it is kind of creeping me out. But if it rules out leukemia, I guess I'm down with it. It's only if the platelets drop. If they hold at 45 then I'm told I might "just be one of those people with chronic ITP" -- which sounds friendly, like being one of those people who just likes dogs over cats.

Other events -- we have a Playstation 3 because it plays Blu-Ray discs, and I'm not one of those people who normally notices a difference between this player and that and sound and what's detailed on the screen and blah blah blah, but, boy-o, you can count the pores on Bruce Willis' face in Die Hard. It's a trip. I can't wait to watch The Hunt for Red October. And playing the Beijing 2008 game is equally as exciting as watching it ... take that however you like. I can't wait to take the cousin/roommate on in Fight Night Round 3.

JIAYOU!

I like the Olympics, but it irritates me that you never get to see events like archery, which isn't sexy like beach volleyball. Or shooting. They never, ever show shooting. Maybe if the shooters wore underwear like the beach volleyball players they'd get on television, but since the shooters are usually from Muslim countries, that probably won't fly. And I haven't seen any equestrian events. Maybe they're not taking place yet or maybe it's because NBC is so in love with Michael Phelps that anything not featuring him is clearly a lesser sport and undeserving of coverage.

Go ahead, call me a communist, but I'm tired of hearing about Michael Phelps. We don't see the other medal ceremonies, why do we have to keep focusing in on his pinched lips and earnest tears every flippin' time he takes the podium? I agree that what he's doing is historical (if he can beat Spitz, which he hasn't yet, but probably will), but stopping men's gymnastics to "get into the head of Michael Phelps" ... dude ... e-feckin'-nuf.

By the way, hilarious that the American men's gymnastics team was hopping and whooping (JIAYOU!) about getting the bronze and the Japanese looked like they'd been pushed down a well on hearing they took silver. Let's face it, the Chinese were rating 16's on things that we'd get 15's on, but it's their country n' stuff, and they were pretty impressive on the floor exercises and the rings, so let them have it. But we should have hit perfect on that last pommel horse (oh yeah ... the pommel horse ... ... yeah ... I loves the pommel horse). That guy was on fire. But whatever. Bronze for the alternates is pretty impressive. Japan, silver is good. Get it? Goooooooooood.

What I learned on my summer vacation

"... mesopelagic fishes--that is, those in the region between 200 and 1,000 meters (-660 to 3,300 feet) below the sea surface--... have gas-filled swim bladders to help them remain neutrally buoyant. When these fishes are caught and brought rapidly to the sea surface, the consequent drop of hydrostatic pressure may cause, among other physiological stresses, expansion of the gas bladder, which will force internal organs out of their mouth and cause death."

This, and finding out that the eyes on a flatfish will move to one side of their head like a Picasso painting, are the coolest ocean fun facts ever.

Boy, what the hell with Isaac Hayes? Bernie Mac had pneumonia, so that wasn't going well already, but Isaac Hayes? What the hell happened? Weird, weird.

Don't Fear the Creeper

This karma cleansing is not working worth jack. Whaddya do when you've got something like this crawling down your sweaters in the closet?

That's right, you scream like a girl and stomp it into the ground. It's instinct. Primal, basic, elementary instinct.

Being modern, I searched the internet for answers to my problems (and for a photo to post) and found this little gem on eHow.com ("How To Do Just About Everything"). The Difficulty level is described as "Moderately Challenging":

Things You'll Need
Toy spider and/or pictures of spiders

Steps
Step One
Firstly you should know that you can't escape spiders and that they are everywhere, so there's no point stressing out about them. Think to yourself things like, how often do you hear of a spider killing someone? They are probably more scared of us than we are of them, look how big we are compared to them. They are unavoidable so you must overcome the fear of them.

Step Two
Do some research into spiders in your country. It's unlikely that there are dangerous spiders where you live as these are rare, but it's best that you know the facts. Should you have dangerous spiders near where you live, research what they look like, what you should do if you see one, etc. If you know what to do, should you see a risky spider, you wont be bitten if you are calm and follow the instructions. Should the spider get to you, there is always a cure for spiders at the hospital.

Step Three
Get some toy spiders and pictures of spiders and get someone that you know well and trust to look at these pictures with you. The more you do this, the more you'll get to know what they are actually like.

Step Four
Lastly, you must face your fear. I'm not asking you to touch a spider but when you do see one (assuming it is not a harmful spider) look at it. Each time you see one, gradually get closer to it. It really will work.

Firstly, this reminds me of when I was 11 and thought that I could write a self-help column in the newspaper. "I know why you're a bully. It's because you have insecurities about Algebra II. Just solve for x and you won't have a need to punch people anymore."

Lastly, she's right, how often do you hear of a spider killing someone? They can't buy ammo at Walmart and or carry chainsaws. It's just silly to fear them.

But they still don't belong in my closet trying on sweaters.

Tag This

She stood on the scales. Her Christmas present from Denise. What sort of a fuckin' present is that?
--I got it for the colour, said Denise.

David Sedaris is out of the room, so the closest book was the (as yet unread) Paula Spencer by Roddy Doyle. I'm still waiting for him to finish that A Star Called Henry trilogy. Come awn, ye daft wee...

And welcome back Reverend Dick! Ye daft wee...

---
Pick up your nearest book and go to page 123. Find the fifth sentence, and post on your blog the next three sentences. Acknowledge who tagged you, and then tag five more people.

I tag :
Archival Clothing (la lars)
Hot Air (the haskes)
And three non-bloggers who usually have good books close at hand:
DWilton
Mr. Bascomb
Wuh
(non-blogs can post in comments or email me and I'll post it in the Big Show ... either way works. It's a free-flowin' organic summer project, man.)

--

Side note: Week 2 and no one's interested in buying the duplex. Not only that, but we're so unpopular and unnoticeable that we can't even get the abandoned Volkswagon towed from the street in front of the house. That's going on week 7. I thought it might belong to the hillbillies across the street, but they park on the lawn. For those coming into town for the fair next week our neighbors will sell you a spot on their lawn for $5, but you have to clear out by midnight, because that's when they like to ride their ATVs around in the backyard.

Modern Parenting

Israeli parents forget daughter at airport

JERUSALEM - Israeli airport police say a couple going on a European vacation remembered to bring their duty-free shopping and their 18 suitcases, but forgot their 3-year-old daughter at the airport.

The couple and their five children were late for a flight to Paris Sunday and made a mad dash to the gate. In the confusion, their daughter got lost. A policeman found her wandering around the terminal, crying for her mother.

---

Oddly enough this happened on my flight home. We were taxiing to the runway in Seattle and this man behind me shouted "WAIT A MINUTE!" The stewardess was on the way to being strapped in and turned, but kept walking: "Sir, I don't know what you're looking for." "MY DAUGHTER! DID SHE GET ON THIS FLIGHT! SHE'S ONLY SEVEN!"

Mortified, his daughter looked back from the front row and waved.

You know, I don't know a lot about raising kids, but maybe this is something to think about before you hit the tarmac.