Scrapin' it into a pile for 2007

Looking over last year's weak resolutions, I've decided that it's pretty useless to form any for 2007. I considered doing a Best/Worst list too, but the Best all had elements of Worst and vice-versa, which left everything in a kind of mediocre-ness that is (in short) mediocre. So I am choosing instead to sum up 2006 thus:

Your Honor, my learn'ed colleagues, members of the jury, ladies and gentlemen, this year has seen levels of normalcy unsurpassed in years previous (at least those that the defense can call to mind at this moment). There were weddings, births, birthdays at the 40 level, and countless airline flights, and yet, as we close the proceedings on 2006, it would appear that very little change has actually occurred in the day-to-day existence of the defendant. I would like specifically to call your attention to the following topics: friends, school, health and, finally, finances.

We'll begin with friends. During 2006 one Kelly Feinberg (nee Cockburn) was married in the backyard of a lovely house in Fort Collins, Co.

[Exhibit A] This event is significant not only because she is a close friend and one who has waited a long time for this moment, but also because the defendant was one of the only single people attending. It is also significant because it was where the defendant met a doctor named "Peter" who subsequently vanished when they parted ways at the bar. Was it the double vodka? Or the absurdly heavy eye makeup that shows up looking like tar in the wedding photos? Who can say...

I submit also one Sheryl Montgomery and her baby, Mia, of whom there are no online photos because the defendant forgot the camera last July and all we have are the flippin hard copies and no flippin scanner. But I digress. There are also the virtual friends, whom the defendant has not met, but who have been monitored in an unobtrusive (we hope) fashion. I speak of the Haskes, who have also had a baby - Huckleberry - this year, and online photos as well as video are available through their blog. Here also is Jack, the defendant's second cousin. The photo (featuring the defendant's mother) explains it all. Don't you want to pat his cheeks?
[Exhibit B]

I submit that these events, while significant in their own right, have had no direct effect on the life of the defendant, apart from the moments of pleasure at viewing photos, squeezing cheeks, burping and swinging the child(ren) to sleep, etc...

School. Apart from a couple of B grades in Italian, life on the University level is starting to agree with the defendant. She had to ignore everyone for 10 weeks while working on the 20-page, 35-source Information Gathering project, but it's hoped that the grade of A+ will explain the distances and help mend bridges. The defense would like to submit (while we back-pat ourselves) that a passing grade in that class is a D and some people have to take it a second time to pass. The defense thanks you for your indulgence.

Health came in the discovery that acupuncture really works (ladies and gentlemen, 30 million Chinese people can't be wrong) and is much cheaper and less of a hassle than Workman's Comp and disability for carpal tunnel. Acupuncture, however is not covered by insurance because insurance can't make a buck off of it. Another set-back for ancient wisdom.

Finally, finances, which are at a low thanks to an unnamed uninsured motorist and some unfortunate investing at the Pala Hotel and Casino last July. That's why you all got a card full of air for Christmas. Next year (this is not a resolution) Next year the defendant will double her paycheck at Pala, and Christmas will include hot tubs, trips to the Grand Prix of Monaco, fancy bicycles and whatever else the defendant can indulge you all with.

You'll see. You'll all see.

(predictions are for entertainment purposes only)