CARL!

("I'm telling you, Tony, this is the story of the CENTURY!")



Fecking hell ... Darren McGavin died.

What really irritates me, and this is going to sound totally superficial, is that he's probably not going to make it onto the Academy Awards list of departed stars because he's too late to make it onto the montage. Although they do those things digitally now, so he'd better get on there. They can show him as the sleazy pusher in "The Man With the Golden Arm" ... but they'll probably use "A Christmas Story." The pusher though ... he was a bad bad man.

Thank you, Darren McGavin.

I forget what 8 is for

1. Seven things I plan to do before I die
1.) visitare a Napoli
2.) see Arsenal play Manchester City at the City of Manchester Stadium
3.) shoplift something from Walmart (stick it to the Man!)
4.) get that lasik thing the kids all talk about
5.) make Silvia's coffeecake without f**king it up
6.) read all the books on my to-be-read pile
7.) drive through South Dakota

2. Seven things I can do
1.) boil water
2.) sleep for 10 hours
3.) get insulted by phone, chat and email all at the same time
4.) drive a stick-shift
5.) upgrade Mozilla and Winamp all by myself
6.) break someone's elbow if I have to
7.) lie convincingly

3. Seven things I can't do
1.) act as my own defense in court
2.) cart-wheels
3.) listen to Bob Seger
4.) swing dance
5.) remember the name of that woman with the short dark hair who's in the Rizzoli Christmas card photo from 18 years ago (Donna? Debra? Sandy?)
6.) sing along with Abba
7.) eat candy with nuts in it

4. Seven things that attract me to the opposite sex.
1.) walking
2.) talking
3.) literacy
4.) tidiness
5.) "them eyes like a gypsy"
6.) really nice teeth
7.) being well-versed in the classics (film, that is)

5. Seven things I say most.
1.) Dude
2.) Mother corker!
3.) What the? Oh for the luvva ...
4.) Oh, nuh-uh, sugar sugar
5.) Your tea is ready
6.) pffffft right
7.) Shut up

6. Seven celebrity crushes
1.) Richard Widmark
2.) Toshiro Mifune
3.) Owen Wilson
4.) Naomi Watts (sorry, Jolie)
5.) Alastair, the kid who cries in the loch in "Rob Roy" ("I cannot! I cannot!")
6.) Jarvis Cocker
7.) Jin from "Lost"

7. Seven random lyrics running through my head while answering this meme (extra points if you can guess the song and artist):
1.) We move like tigers on Vaseline
2.) I'm an alligator. I'm a mama-papa comin' for you.
3.) I wish I was a fisherman, tumblin' on the seas/Far away from the dry land and it's bitter memories
4.) I was born in the wagon of a travelin' show. My mama used to dance for the money they'd throw.
5.) He tells me that women grow on trees and if you catch them right they will land upon their knees
6.) When he picks up the trash, he puts it in a garbage can./That's what you look like to me/and what I see's a pity./Close your face and stay outta my way/If you don't wanna go to Fist City
7.) Love me 'til my heart stops/Love me 'til I'm dead

weird .... 7 questions/7 answers ... do I get good luck for doing this?

bring it on.

Mr. Plow. That's My Name.

That name again is Mr. Plow.

So, Valentine's and all -- thank God the season of coupling (New Year's to V. Day) is over and the freakish anomalies (aka: single folk) can get back into living like people again. Cah, I hate this time of year. It's dark, it's cold, it's ............. hey! wait a minute! Dark + Cold =

YAYYYYYYYYYY!

This goes out to all my homies, with love

Mad?
Call it my little foible. To displease
Is my chief pleasure. I love hatred. He's
My best friend who's my best enemy. Oh,
You've no idea how bracing it is to go
Marching upright against a volley of venom,
In the sights of the eyes of angry men, am-
ong the spit and bile and froth of fear,
Cooled, as by rain, by those gentle drops. My dear
Captain and friend, you're different. Who could hate your
Guts? Your soft and warm and bland good nature,
One of these Italian cowls, comfortable, loose,
Designed for softening the chin. Now, I've no use
For anything but an iron collar, full of spikes,
Made ever spikier by new dislikes.
It makes me hold my chin up, walk erect,
A Spanish fetter blessed with the effect
Of a French halo.

Trifecta

All three of these emails hit our customer service inbox this morning. I haven't changed anything except to remove their names (by the way, to help you out ... my company sells office products):

I have recently purchaced a 750 gr box of rasin bran which had adissapointingly small amount of rasins.I am a HUGE rasin bran fan ,I eat itat nite ,supper, whenever. I really hope that you value a customer of 20odd years and send me a cupon of some sort .I am very sorry that thishappened because I love your product,yours truly

****

Message: I am appalled at your ass kissing of the Religion of Peace. Alltheir evil holidays are in my face on my American Desk Calendar purchasedfrom your company. Do you know what the Ashura Holiday is? Look it up. Any so-called religion that places more significance on protesting cartoonsthat were printed in Sept. 2005.... and dances in the streets when 3,000+people are murdered in the name of Allah...doesn't deserve space on myAmerican calendar...or a daily first report on my American news channel. Iam disgusted by those who keep appeasing these monsters and their monstrousdeeds. I will not be ordering your Islamic Calendar anymore for my office.
Ala Akbar!

***

to whom it may concern:
i am so pissed off right now i'm trying to hold back on telling you idiots exactly where you can shove this case of paper towels. the item i ordered DOES NOT fit the kimberly-clark dispenser. this is YOUR fault, not mine. when i looked up the dispenser, which i already own, your site offered me paper towel rolls to order with it. all i needed was the paper towel rolls and it DOES NOT fit. the inner tubing is too small for the dispenser holder arms.
i should have known better to go with an office depot, staples, etc. and not some wannabe.
fix this. now.

Power to the Peapod, Right On

My notice about making the Dean's List came on Saturday and since that's turning into a 1-time deal (you need a 3.75 or better ... fffffft dude, no way) I decided to reward myself with an MP-3 Player.

Ladies and Gentlemen ... the Sony Walkman NW-E305:








It's not a great player, and, based on the Amazon reviews, it can break pretty easily, but it sure beats carrying around a cd player and a bag full of cd's. I can now carry books that are so essential to my academic progress.

The kid at Target (who resembled the Krusty Burger kid on the Simpson's "I'll have to get my manager, sir") told me all about his $300 i-Pod (that sounds like some kind of modern pick-up ... Is that an i-Pod in your pocket or...?) and how it holds more music and has video and yah yah yah. Why I didn't get an i-Pod?

Because I'm not a robot, that's why! I don't need your corporate agenda, you clone!

And I couldn't afford it.