Dir. John Gilling
Starring: John Saxon, Maurice Denham, Patricia Haines
No, God, don't make me watch it again! It's also known as Blood Beast from Outer Space although neither title adequately describes this movie, except that there's something from outer space and he does like to visit at night, but I don't know that he's necessarily a blood beast, although maybe that part was left out of the finished film, you know, when they edited it down to give it pace and tension.
Oh wait...
Still, in the mode of educational film viewing, I have picked up some valuable life lessons:
Never tell the military brass everything you know about glowing spheres and aliens. You're a scientist, dammit. Those animals just have guns.
Don't expect them to believe you if you're a woman, even if you're somewhat mannish and a scientist, dammit.
If your planet needs women with "looks, personality and ambition" you can pick up a couple hundred through an ad in "Bikini Girl" magazine.
Girls with these kinds of Goon Show characters for parents are easy targets ...
...as are girls who look like Lesley Gore.
Remember that aliens are all around you --- what's the circle behind his shoulder? What's the weird round thing hanging from the ceiling? You think they're harmless, but they look just like the alien space ship --- just like it. Don't get me started on rubber band balls.
And now, the moral of the story --- spoiler alert --- spoken by the Saxon as he watches the alien with bad dental work but "a gentle voice" hop into his glowing rubber band ball and shoot into the sky.
"Let's hope they find the cure and tell us," says ace, not entirely British scientist Jack Costain.
The world is full of hate and war, friends, and Jupiter 3, who lost all their people to "man" made destruction will now repopulate with 20 dopey girls who go alone to porn shops in answers to vague ads looking for "models". That's what you want in your society, because war is the killer:
Seriously??? This alien guy is out for peace and this is how he does it??? He killed the sleazy guy that ran the porn shop and your scientist girlfriend who was either too smart or not good looking enough to help populate a planet! That means the "cure" is swiping Earth's stupid girls and killing the smart ones! No! Bad! Bad! Where the hell is the RAF?!? Shoot that alien down! Shoot to... oh never mind it now.
Which brings us to our closing lesson:
Friends, when life gives you lemons, you make John Saxon and it will all be better again.
6 comments:
2 things.
1) Thank you for your ongoing symposium on film. I am learning.
2) What is with your somewhat creepy interest in John Saxon? Ugh. He's like an animatronic GI Joe villain, or a bad 6 Million Dollar Man villain (was he ?)...
OK, 3 things.
3) Lee Effing Marvin.Now there's an actor worth a somewhat creepy interest level.
1. Thank you for thanking me!
2. It's the cousin/roommate's interest mainly, but I am a little intrigued by the Saxon ... maybe it's his resemblance to Landon Donovan...
3. I loves Lee Marvin. I've got to get that movie he's in with Oliver Reed, but I'm afraid a double-dose like that would blow my head off
1. Don't hate the Saxon. Few so recognizable actors can lower the value of absolutely any project with just there mere presence. It's a special gift.
2. This plot line sounds suspiciously similar to the classic, "Mars Needs Women." which probably came later. But, they just needed the women for baby makin'. So, of course, Tommy Kirk went straight for strippers and stewardesses.
LOL! I was loathe to admit hating the Saxon (seeing as how he was in Enter the Dragon)but put like that? Well, I must admire him instead.
Speaking of double dose of Marvin, I watched "Emperor of the North" recently (costarring the trolliest man alive- Ernest Borgnine) and it was absolutely terrible. Bummer.
I do recommend "Paint Your Wagon" as an acceptably fantastic double dose.
1) In the interest of numbered points, I am numbering my points.
2) Is the cousin/roommate (brother to me) trying to get over the faceless Saxon fear with prolonged exposure to the Saxon?
3) Lee Marvin? The answer is Roadhouse. (NOT Patrick Swayze vehicle, although I believe there is some dancing.)
3. Have not seen "Roadhouse" but tried to get through "The Shack Out on 101" and didn't make it.
2. I thought a lot about "Mars Needs Women" while watching this, oddly enough. I guess "Jupiter 3 Needs Women" wasn't a hot enough title.
1. Looked it up, the one to see is "The Great Scout & Cathouse Thursday". I heard it also makes for a great drinking game.
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