How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

This week's platelet count: 54

So, steroids or not, the platelets are keeping steady around the same number, and while this isn't high, it's higher than my normal ITP platelet count, so cancer doctor was happy and shook my hand. Although the last time I went on this kind of steroid (prednisone) they shot up to 170, so it's weird to me that they're not at least hitting 100, but, whatever. I didn't go to medical school. Doctor says good, I guess it's good. Two more weeks of steroids and then we get to focus on the cancer treatment again.

Not that my faith in medical science is any more sound today than yesterday --- or, not so much faith in medical science, but where I once thought science had a handle on overriding random nature, now I'm not so sure. Stuff might alter a little, but it's not a guarantee of success. I actually felt a little bond with Monday night's House episode when he shouted "I did everything right!" and it still didn't matter. Other stuff gets in the way and screws up everything you did right.

(Otherwise, honestly, that show irritated me. What is wrong with Cuddy? Why does the show keep forgetting that she has a baby after making such a big deal about her adopting one? At least Lucas was a good baby-sitter. House on the other hand ... people, come on... there's no way.)
(But I digress.)

I guess these past weeks have made me focus a little bit more on my mortality, but I still question whether or not my time is any more tenuous than anyone else. Maybe cancer matters. Maybe not. Maybe the fear comes out of my 1980's coming-of-age and watching The Day After and that bomb-drop = death mentality. The cancer bomb has dropped. Will I be Jason Robards or JoBeth Williams? (Regardless of outcome, does anyone want to be Steve Guttenberg or John Lithgow?) Maybe I've got 2 years; maybe it's 12; maybe it's 1. I don't know anymore today than I did a month or 2 months ago. It's still just dice rolling and what about cancer makes that different?

So, rather than worry about the cancer and what may or may not happen with it in the future, I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing --- taking the drugs they give me, drinking near-beer, watching silly Bollywood movies and just focusing on each day as each day. Is that really any different from anyone else? I mean, with the exception of the near-beer, since I assume everyone watches silly Bollywood movies.

No plans + No expectations = No worries.