And that's when it all went horribly wrong

Paid a visit to the oncologist Monday to go over the scans and get ready for Thursday. I didn't take the cousin/roommate since he had to go to the dentist later and I thought it was just a preliminary little chat before the nuclear fission. What's to worry?

Did you see that movie The Blind Side? Okay, this was like that, only without Sandra Bullock and the heartwarming story because I was completely blind-sided by:

"The cancer has metastasized into the bone."

Yeah, I know! This keeps happening. I keep thinking it'll be bad, but not really believing it, and then, what do you know? it's bad and then goes it gets worse. First it's a cyst and then it's cancer, now it's cancer and now it's worse cancer? What the f...? Where does this come from? Did I wrong everyone in my past life? I thought I was at least somewhat nice to some people somewhere.

So, yeah, turns out this is incurable, so I'll always have it, like a birthmark, unless it's possible to remove those now like tattoos, in which case it will not be like a birthmark, but like a really crappy permanent version of a birthmark.

The cancer is currently in 4 places:

My upper left arm
My right hip
The base of my spine
The back right shoulder blade

(markers not placed to scale)

Yeah, so all this time I thought our couch cushions sucked and it's been cancer screwing with my spine and hip. The couch is fine, but, boy is my face red. We were going to reinforce the frame with cedar and it was that tricky cancer all along.

So, what does this mean? Well, it means that the chemotherapy is canceled. It means that I have to get pushed into early menopause starting now. It means the ovaries come out and I schedule the mastectomy. It means anti-anxiety medication. It means figuring out how to live with this for the rest of my life and hoping it can be controlled somehow and that I never break anything, which means reconsidering cycling on the streets because fear of getting hit now goes beyond just protecting my head. Does it mean cycling in body armor?

And I really wanted to try out the Gianni Motta this summer.

But I get to keep my hair.

Mom and pop are driving up in their camper. My cousin Hilary is flying out from Atlanta. Silvia sent me a pink Ninento DS and Mario Kart (I'm ready to be Baby Peach, man). I'm knitting scarves for etsy and pagan babies because I suck at hats. I'm seeing Clash of the Titans tonight. These are all the things I know. Everything else you'll have to make up on your own.