I used to like Mondays

I wake up this morning 3 times because I have to pee, walking through the kitchen in the dark without my glasses 3 TIMES to the bathroom on the other side of the house. The last time I was actually awake to do my morning routine, so my glasses are on as I come out of the bathroom, and I reach down to change the cat's food and see this mutha-...er waiting for me.

Yes, I've used the picture before. No, it's not the actual spider, just a small reproduction of the GIANT NUCLEAR TEST AREA INSECT that was staring me down. It was bigger than Veda's head. It was so big, we could leash it and take it for walks. We could put a saddle on it and run it before judges at the fair. If you wanted to call it, you'd have to look up its f...ing country code. And I had walked past it, over it, brushed against it, traded witty bon mots with it 3 TIMES without even knowing it.

But it was in the kitchen and in the kitchen it's bad luck to kill a spider. "If you want to live and thrive, let a spider stay alive." Don't ask me, I just know that to kill it I would have to get something really big and certain, like the car, to make sure it died and then I'd have bad luck for all that trouble. Worth it? Perhaps not.

So I got the big Watney's Red Barrel pint round and trapped it. I put Saran Wrap on the top and poked it full of holes until the cousin could get up and take him outside.

Then I vomited.

Then I called the tow truck guy to come pick up the Honda because the clutch didn't work and I thought I'd be smart, right? Help him. Move it from the driveway into the street, right? So I let it roll and it gets stuck there with the back end sticking out into the street. I think ... "hmm ... maybe I can get it into reverse," and I could, but then it would stall when I let up on the clutch because the clutch didn't work. Remember how the clutch doesn't work? Yeah, so then I got the shift stuck in reverse with the car sticking out into the street. My neighbor left her house and drove away as though I wasn't even there. Thanks, neighbor. So I'm playing classics of 1960's Hindi films until her dog barks itself hoarse.

But then, after working and fretting and trying not to worry about finding other spiders in the house, we get home (eventually, by many means, but without the car) and put in A History of Violence and that, my friends, made me believe in film again. God bless us everyone.